Flange: A Gargoyle Looks at Xmas (Part 1)

After much debate, my co-blogger (Flange the gargoyle — “Flj” if you’re a purist of gargoylespeak) and I have finally resolved how to handle the mechanics of posting here.

In this entry, at least, I will simply tell you what he’s told me, translated to English; every now and then I’ll interject a comment from him, to help preserve the, er, voice of the original.

(By the way, that is not Flange himself in the photo, of course. It’s a distant cousin of his, one on a monastery somewhere in what we call, generically, Western Europe. (Flange called it what I believe could be translated as “home.”) I wouldn’t take the word “cousin” too literally; as I understand it, all gargoyle blood relations outside the direct like of descent are described as cousins.)

So, let’s begin with the obvious: Yes, Xmas. Gargoyles see nothing offensive in that X. They’ve always called the holiday Xmas — for far longer than the mere 2,000 years we humans have called it something else.

Indeed, the X is pronounced in the largely vowel-free original gargoylese as crizz. So you can see that we latecomers to the December party have not only hijacked the holiday itself, but actually sort of retrofitted its name to suit our own purposes.

Human objections to the X originated way before our modern-day hypersensitivity. The early Church wanted to expunge from its rituals any references to gargoyle culture except, of course, when convenient — such as for use in guarding their buildings. So the X was banned completely, for centuries, before being revived in the last 50 years or so. Once again, for human — typographic, this time — convenience.

Flange: ‘Sokay. Gargoyles prejudice have too. Not only stupids in the woods, humans. Just stupidest of stupids. Flj just yank chain, “Boss,” ha haha.

“Boss” have holiday humor, little.

Flange wanted to focus on two main topics in his Xmas post: decorations and (for lack of a better word) spirituality. In today’s post, we’ll tackle the first of these. (Part 2 will come sometime between now and Thursday. It’s a complicated subject  for gargoyles as well as for us.)

Decorations:

Since gargoyles themselves could be classified as a sort of “decor,” any decorations are an area of great intrinsic interest to the creatures. Xmas decorations, naturally, are especially important.

Take the color red, for example.

Flange: Bright red nonononono. Wrong-wrong, humans always get. True color, Xmas, purple-red.

This “purple-red” isn’t merely symbolic. No, it’s blood-red — specifically, the color of the blood of the evil spirits on which gargoyles feast. Yes, just as with humans, the end of the year represents for gargoyles a celebration of food.

Flange: Attendance, church, Xmas. Always up yes? Also manymanymany spirits, evil. Not coincidence, Flj thinking.

As for green, likewise, in a gargoyle’s eyes humans just sort of miss the boat:

Human authorities will blather on about evergreens and how because these trees are green (duh) year-round, they symbolize eternal life blah blah blah.

Gargoyles have no concept of eternal life, except as an approximate synonym for life in general. (Being made of stone does certain things to your point of view.) For them, then, green symbolizes the calendar, the seasons, the year itself. The… well, I guess you could call them the 364 days of Xmas.

Flange: On first day, partridge in pear tree true love gave me. Ate partridge. Ate pear tree. True love escaped.

On second day, ate turtles and doves. True love escaped.

Ate France on third day, true love away flew.

All the way to last day: Pretended to eat three hundred sixty-four banisters from military barracks. (Love drinking songs, just love. Ninety-nine bottles, human, way too tame for Flj.) When she relaxed, ate true love (but clicky-clicky first).

Whole thing next day start over. How not love season, this?

Then of course there are all the various sparkledots of Xmas: colored pinpoints of light, tinsel and garland, silver(ish) snowflakes. Gargoyles love those too — “sparkledots” is as close to their word as we can get in English. And if we humans could only find a gargoyle home, we perhaps could listen in as the parents tell the little ones, over the course of an Xmas Eve bedtime story which lasts decades, a story which goes, briefly, like this:

Flange: Great Igneon*, when put together gargoyles and humans first time, its mighty head scratched. Noticed humans always afraid of night, afraid of dark. Pee in own fire and weep when fire go out. Humans strange.

But humans did then strange thing, they. Set gargoyles, many, all around church. Not move in daylight, gargoyles. Move only night. Move only when humans watching, not. Spirits, evil, back turned.

Humans darkness vast, yes? Gargoyle sparkledots, little. Dink dink dink, gargoyles in human night. Twinkle little star, twinkle little snowflake, twinkle little gargoyle, you.

Lesson humans strange but things, wonderful do sometime. Happen, accidents, you see?

You sleep now. Tomorrow big day. Meet true love!

___________________

* “Great Igneon” seems to be the name of the gargoylish cheif deity.

Flange: Yours, too, “Boss.” Not know it just, you.