{"id":24834,"date":"2021-09-03T11:44:13","date_gmt":"2021-09-03T15:44:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/?p=24834"},"modified":"2021-09-03T11:44:21","modified_gmt":"2021-09-03T15:44:21","slug":"stumbling-surely-blind-maybe-but-wildly-free-by-the-gods","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/2021\/09\/stumbling-surely-blind-maybe-but-wildly-free-by-the-gods\/","title":{"rendered":"Stumbling, Surely; Blind, Maybe… But Wildly Free<\/em>, by the Gods!"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n

[Image: untitled painting by Lino Ant\u00f3nio (1923). I found this on Flickr<\/a>, without really looking for it (or, really, anything like it), but it felt particularly well suited for a post wrapping up with Diane Ackerman’s poem “Bluenoses,” below<\/a>.]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

whiskey river<\/a><\/em> reminded us recently:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is a strange and wonderful fact to be here, walking around in a body, to have a whole world within you and a world at your fingertips outside you. It is an immense privilege, and it is incredible that humans manage to forget the miracle of being here. Rilke said, “being here is so much,” and it is uncanny how social reality can deaden and numb us so that the mystical wonder of our lives goes totally unnoticed. We are here. We are wildly and dangerously free.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

(John O’Donohue [source<\/a><\/em>])<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…which was something of a relief to read, coming as it did on the heels of this more emotionally tricky thought<\/a> from a couple days earlier:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You will see it coming. Not you<\/em> actually because you don’t see for yourself yet, everyone is busy seeing for you, days filled with unsolicited advice you don’t take and trite warnings you can’t hear and the whitewashing of all your excitement. Yes, they definitely saw it coming, exactly the way it came.<\/p>

When you’re older you will know that at some unconscious level not only did you see it coming, but you created it, in your own blind, stumbling way. You will console yourself with the fact that it wouldn’t have mattered, seeing it or not seeing it. You were a sponge for incident. Maybe everyone is when they’re young. They don’t remember, nobody remembers what it feels like to be so recklessly absorbent.<\/p>

When you can’t see in front of you life is nothing but surprises. Looking back, there were truly so few of them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

(Stephanie Danler [source<\/a><\/em>])<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…which drew me back to this — not from whiskey river<\/em> of course — from years ago (when, of course, I was too busy doing something I thought of as “living” to be in fact alive<\/em>):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dreaming, we become the earth’s dream.<\/p>

It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery. However, many of life\u2019s large, captivating principles and small, captivating details we may explore, unpuzzle, and learn by heart, there will still be vast unknown realms to lure us. If uncertainty is the essence of romance, there will always be enough uncertainty to make life sizzle and renew our sense of wonder. It bothers some people that no matter how passionately they may delve, the universe remains inscrutable. “For my part,” Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, “I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” The great affair, the love affair with life, is to live as variously as possible, to groom one\u2019s curiosity like a high-spirited thoroughbred, climb, aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day. Where there is no risk, the emotional terrain is flat and unyielding, and, despite all its dimensions, valleys, pinnacles, and detours, life will seem to have none of its magnificent geography, only a length. It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

(Diane Ackerman [source<\/a>])<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…which, in turn, made me wonder how Ackerman might regard the same “savage and beautiful country” decades later. I turned to an anthology of her poems, published in 2011:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bluestockings<\/strong> <\/p>

Oh lovely girl, once a mischief hound with me
when we twentied through school
as boy-brained, romping word-flingers
who gabbed the telephone wires thin,
studied, craved, shared revelations,
and wrote colorful wind-sprints for poems. <\/p>

What a pang to see you, decades later,
over nouvelle pizza and cappuccino,
—a beautifully suited, associate dean
at a large rambunctious university,
where you hold the entrails of academics
in perfectly manicured hands. <\/p>

Married long, mother of two teenage girls
(How did you raise daughters?
We could barely raise ourselves),
you\u2019re a distinguished folklorist with a penchant
for fascinating, perfectly researched “smut”
(so the mischief remains!). <\/p>

As we talk like old friends no longer intimate,
laughing, nostalgic, visibly older,
and our eyes ransack the other’s face,
reading lines etched by unshared dramas,
I keep slipping off the rind of the present,
through mind mirage, deep into the theaters of memory. <\/p>

I see you perfectly then: a young woman
in her padded cell on the ledge of the galaxy,
wide-eyed, foul-mouthed, vision\u2019s pupil,
shooting the rapids on an optic nerve;
my wicker self, but in a pink corduroy smock,
analytical and macabre, not yet disabused; <\/p>

growing bone-tough, and agile as a lizard’s tongue,
immune to fear’s teeth in desire’s throat
draining new loves starch white as old wounds;
eager to pin back the ribs of the world;
seductive as a cipher, and nobody\u2019s victim. <\/p>

But the passing years, the disobedience of distance!
I cheer your victories, wish on your wishes.
Heart’s tinder crackles in my words.
You manage to keep a little something in reserve.
We are the same and not the same,
uniquely other, but with pages of shared history.
Like grown sisters, we were young together. <\/p>

Now accomplished and admirable,
we greet in public clothes, accept invented selves,
mix goodwill with the genteel respect
we save for distinguished strangers,
as we talk ideas, mothers, jobs, old cronies,
avoid the minefield of marriage,
romp a bit, indulge in the cozy pastime
of whatever happened to that scallywag so-and-so. <\/p>

When you’ve gone, I dream of flame pots
set out on a moonless runway in darkest Arabia,
and a pilot me piecing together a way home
between the treachery of fog and mountains,
searching down through darkness
for streaks of familiar, precious landmarks
leading to where we might have been.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

(Ackerman [source<\/a><\/em>])<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As for me, well, you probably don’t really want to know how tangled are my<\/em> thoughts on all of this… A question on Quora recently asked something like: “What’s the one thing you wish you could do to reset your life?” I started to offer my own answer; after it had ballooned to a couple thousand words, I realized the answer’s bottom line, really, was Nothing I could have done then would have made it better, and might have made it worse<\/em>… and deleted it all. As you probably know, I’m fond of looking backwards — but the practice doesn’t always reward!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[Image: untitled painting by Lino Ant\u00f3nio (1923). I found this on Flickr, without really looking for it (or, really, anything like it), but it felt particularly well suited for a post wrapping up with Diane Ackerman’s poem “Bluenoses,” below.] whiskey river reminded us recently: It is a strange and wonderful fact to be here, walking […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","h5ap_radio_sources":[],"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":3,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"John O'Donohue, Diane Ackerman, et al.: 'Stumbling, Surely; Blind, Maybe... But Wildly Free<\/em>, by the Gods!'","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[183,38,247,1393,250,5,251,4159],"tags":[1438,1532,5420,5421,5422,5423,5424],"class_list":{"0":"post-24834","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-everyday-life","7":"category-backwards","8":"category-ruminations","9":"category-whiskey-river-runningaftermyhat","10":"category-art","11":"category-06_writing","12":"category-poetry-writing_cat","13":"category-essays","14":"tag-diane-ackerman","15":"tag-john-odonohue","16":"tag-lino-antonio","17":"tag-stephanie-danler","18":"tag-even-more-ackerman","19":"tag-ageing","20":"tag-regrets-or-not","21":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6kZSG-6sy","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24834","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24834"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24834\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24844,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24834\/revisions\/24844"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24834"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24834"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24834"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}