![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/johnesimpson.com\/images\/stupefied_notthepooch.jpg?resize=450%2C337&ssl=1\" "\\"Not")
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[Image: not The Pooch. Depicts the desired outcome, however.]<\/em><\/p>\n In the Harry Potter wizarding universe, most spells are cast using incantations of a vaguely Latin(ish) form: Cruciato! Expecto patronum! Wingardium leviosa!<\/em> and so on.<\/p>\n The sole exception which I can think of off the top of my head: Stupefy!<\/em> When cast in magical combat, you will recall, this spell renders the target incapable of movement. Combatants who have been Stupefied fall, rigid, to the floor or the ground — effectively (albeit temporarily) removing them from further battle.<\/p>\n I don’t particularly care in my everyday life that I cannot, say, summon my Patronus. But Stupefy? Oh my. Let it be so. (Especially if it can be fine-tuned, like a handheld Star Trek phaser, from disorient<\/em> all the way up to vaporize<\/em>.)<\/p>\n I’m still trying to work up the nerve to attempt Stupefaction of a human being. But I’ve tried it many times with The Pooch… and I can report that it’s not as easy as it looks in the movies. (Neither is being shot out of a cannon. A topic for a later post, perhaps.)<\/p>\n Still, it can<\/em> be done. Herewith, results of my research to date.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The test subject in question is several years old. Weight: about five pounds. Length, stem to stern (standing): about a foot. Cruising altitude (belly to floor): four to five inches. Metabolic rate (measured on the Simpson scale of footsteps required to cross one foot of distance in a second (high-speed photography used to parse out the blurrage)): 14.5.<\/p>\n Tests were conducted in a suburban development in North Florida, USA, over several years and in various seasons, both in- and outdoors. Indoor tests took place within the confines of a house which at one time seemed too large for the research team, and lasted in each case until the daily allotment of t,r,e,a,t,s<\/em> ran out. Outdoor tests started and stopped at the end of a one-block cul-de-sac; time and distance between start and finish of outdoor tests varied — beginning with zero in both cases. (Also in these cases, tests generally concluded with test subject’s being portaged by research team around raging waters of disinterest.)<\/p>\n Indoor tests:<\/strong><\/em> Extended periods of play, involving one Bumpy Ball and various other rubberized inducements to cross room-size distances at high speed, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly. Occasional mystical maledictions sometimes relied upon, including (yes) Stupefy!<\/em> but also Stop!<\/em>, Wait!<\/em>, No!<\/em>, That’s enough!<\/em>, Time for nighty-night!<\/em>, and Jesus <\/em>Christ, are you still freaking <\/em>going<\/span>?!?<\/em><\/p>\n Results:<\/strong> Inconsistent, ranging from (frequent) amplification of imperial demands to (rare) mild Stupefaction.<\/p>\n Outdoor tests:<\/strong><\/em> Extended periods of indulgent leashwork. Intermittent wastework, including preliminary roundabouting Figure 8s as well as follow-up plastic baggery. Pace and direction as determined by Pooch. Plant species subject to extensive olfactory investigation as determined by Pooch. Mammalian species subject to intense visual, auditory, and olfactory scrutiny as determined by Pooch, with vocal responses appropriate to Pooch-determined threat level. Research team-determined levels of apology as needed.<\/p>\n Results:<\/strong> Vary with duration and distance — also with length of leash, halter type, temperature, humidity, time of day, previous wastework recency, grooming recency, TDI (Treat Desirability Index), number of threats encountered, threateningness of threats encountered, sandspurs acquired en route<\/em>, and other factors not yet and perhaps never to be determined.<\/p>\n Conclusions:<\/strong><\/em> Tests to continue, probably indefinitely. Time and distance seem the most consistent determinants of Stupefaction. Likewise Pooch energy levels, although research team’s own energy levels verge upon irrelevance. However, two additional factors seem to aid in achieving optimal Stupefaction:<\/p>\n Too much of one or too much of the other generally results in (a) expulsion from input channel of substances consumed and (b) consequent re-wakefulness. If proper balance is achieved, however, full Stupefaction often takes place — especially if research team immediately flees to upstairs office, behind swinging gate, closed door, and soothing whir of ancient air-conditioning unit. Boredom-assisted Stupefaction in such cases occasionally continues long enough, and deeply enough, for tiptoeing research team to photograph results with which to charm outside observers and (ideally) attract venture-capital funding.<\/p>\n However, in some cases (including the most recent), prematurely attempting to document Stupefaction merely acts as a counter-spell and brings on burst of renewed Yorkshire vigor. Caution is advised.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" [Image: not The Pooch. Depicts the desired outcome, however.] In the Harry Potter wizarding universe, most spells are cast using incantations of a vaguely Latin(ish) form: Cruciato! Expecto patronum! Wingardium leviosa! and so on. The sole exception which I can think of off the top of my head: Stupefy! When cast in magical combat, you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","h5ap_radio_sources":[],"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":3,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[183,95,405,713],"tags":[151,1632],"class_list":{"0":"post-8140","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-everyday-life","7":"category-science-medicine","8":"category-nature","9":"category-humor-writing_cat","10":"tag-harry-potter","11":"tag-the-pooch","12":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6kZSG-27i","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8140","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8140"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8140\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8140"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8140"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnesimpson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8140"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Specifications:<\/h3>\n
Setting:<\/h3>\n
Methodology:<\/h3>\n
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