[I introduced you to my new co-blogger, a gargoyle named (well, his name is pronounced this way) Flange, just the other day. In this, his inaugural post, Flange wanted to give you some idea how he got where he is, i.e., as a professional gargoyle. When and if needed, I'll interject brief commentary and/or supply footnotes.]
Was born, me, a small granite child. Parents, mine, were three, very common among people, my: mother, father, bother. Please, not to insert “r” that word, in. “Bother,” just.
Humans not know, no they not, about habits, mating of people Flj, such as. Flj explain. Try to:
Mother, father, you know, same with you. Join together, sacred mating ritual But “bother” how pronounced, third parent type—
John: Flange, Flange, Flange — for crissake, this is painful to watch! Aside from which, you’re beating the hell out of my keyboard. Why don’t we do this — why don’t you just tell me what you want to say and I’ll key it in for you? Maybe translate a little as I go along—
Flange: That kay with Flj. Not change meaning, you, no? Flj’s voice, unique, preserve, you, right? Flj have pride, authorial, too! Kay. Your way, have it. The human, you are. “Boss,” ha ha ha.
As I was saying *ahem*, me, three parent types: mother, father, bother. First two, same as human. Come together late night, watch alone, stop time, and make clicky-clicky—
What you ask Flj? Clicky-clicky. Sound mother and father gargoyle make when make baby gargoyle, new, yes? Yes. Stone on stone. Clicky-clicky. Favorite word, very, among gargoyle-type people. Also same with human-type, Flj notice.
So mother, father, clicky-clicky at night, late. Then bother come. Bother key role play. Hold mother, father, tight-tight during clicky-clicky. Mother, father, guard down, not fall from wall, see, you? Empty space on wall, many many pieces stone on ground when start up again, time. No more mother, father. No gargoyle, baby either. Bother in disgrace. Gobsmacked, humans are. Scene sad, very. Very very, no laugh you, kay?
That how Flj born, six-plus years after. Typical gargoyle baby. Hungry all time. Happy some time. Happy follow hungry* all time.
Baby food, gargoyle: adult, same as, just less. Wikipedia, human, dumb: “The gargoyle’s grotesque form was said to scare off evil spirits so they were used for protection.” Backwards. Grotesque *ha haha* form result of eating spirits, evil. Spirits, evil, tasting to gargoyles like pasta, Fra Diavolo to humans. Yum! But spirits, evil, ugly as crap. Hard, veryveryvery, to get past lips. And sometimes spirits, evil, do ugly thing to innards, gargoyle, while become stone, yes? You see? Good. THAT reason real why form, gargoyle, quote-quote grotesque. Wikipedia, vandals many, Flj think.
So Flj there was. Hungry happy baby then hungrier happier gargoyle, big adult. Need job. Father and bother both to Flj, they say, Spirits, evil not on trees, grow. About that anyhow father and bother right. (Flj mother? Moved on, she, different father different bother, custom for gargoyle society, complain not, Flj.)
Flj eager to flexwings real, not just — word? something equal something else? yes, not just metaphor. Need real flexwings, fly. Flj start tour, grand, many young gargoyles similar to: Gothic Circuit, say we.
Ultimate destination, big big honkstomping** cathedral, New York City in. Human quote-quote Saint John the quote-quote Divine.
Flj now say to you: this quote-quote saint go waaaaaay beyond Wikipedia, human, dumb very dumb, how gargoyles think of him. No one ever tell you, humans you, real reason big big honkstomping cathedral, New York City in, no gargoyles, have: doublequote-doublequote Saint Divine John believe gargoyles attract spirits, evil. Dumb dumb dumb. Try not researching fact, not in books human, any. Or Wikipedia, dumb veryveryvery. But gargoyles no need attract spirits, evil. New York City this, all after. Know, gargoyles we do, oh yes, know. To us, quote-quote Saint John the Dumdum is he.
Besides, quote-quote Saint John the Dumdum forget fact very important: gargoyle stop-time. (Dumdum all after, yes.) Time, plenty, gargoyles do whatever, want they, when quote-quote Saint John the Dumdum other way looking.
So gargoyles many work… train… practice? no apprentice at Cathedral of quote-quote Saint John the Dumdum. Stop time much. Practice flexwings, practice spirits, evil, catching them, evil-spirits-eating etiquette from book, bestseller, gargoyle etiquette queen by: Emily Pose. Much in vogue. Vogue. Pose, in vogue. Gargoyle humor, see you? Mind, never.
That where end up, Flj, me. No, not apprentice dumb human you. (Relationship perhaps, quote-quote Saint John the Dumdum, you?) Cathedral of quote-quote Saint John the Dumdum not even designed years 120 human ago, Flj adult male muscular experienced much stop-time and clicky-clicky by then. No, Flj teacher and — word? like breath human thing? yes, Flj mentor to manymanymany gargoyles and garboys. (Goyles and boys, see you? Mind, never, gargoyle humor more.)
Passed, time did. (Still does.) One sunny day, human you, remember? visiting Cathedral of quote-quote Saint John the Dumdum. Gift shop entered.
There: Flj, in glass case. Demonstrating gargoyle children, to, art of noflexwingsverystill. Flj specialty, very good, very proud. Human you, green paper wave at human dumdum behind glass case. Green paper take, Flj bag, miles many and days human many, eyeblink gargoyle to. Bookshelf. Dry, wind no, rain no, snow no hurricane eh no much so. Flj like, Flj stay.
Yes yes, still stoptime. Much clicky-clicky, late night, sometime party, no worry human you, gargoyle neurotic guest houseclean much. Stuff our, not stuff your though.
And TV watch, I know, you. Sometime loud — word? like father human, balloonsound? yes, sometime loud or little pop on TV. Missus, you, humans think, power fluctuate or cable hiccup, something. Not true. Truth: Every time TV pop somewhere, new hungry happy gargoyle baby born. Miracle art and science, technology and nature and folklore, you see yes, you?
That Flj story.
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* Happy follow hungry: This seems to be some sort of gargoyle proverb. And I agree with you — it doesn’t sound quite right to me either. But then, we’re not legendary winged leathery-skinned and well-taloned granite beasts, are we?
** honkstomping: translation approximate.
I like knowing that evil spirits taste like pasta. Would it be silly to ask if they come in pasta shapes?
recaptcha: STARTS ing
“Honkstomping” is my new favorite word. Quick, someone throw the Pivot Questionnaire at me.
marta: You know the saying, “Meddle not in the affairs of the dragon; for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup”? (Worded various ways, don’t know the author.) Flange says that evil spirits issue a similar warning to their young, regarding [whispering] gargoyles [end whispering] — except that the taste is ramped up of course, and doesn’t require adding extra flavor. He says they come in various shapes (in the way that people do), including some complex pastas, but that they’re like uncooked pasta.
Like your recaptcha — move that second “S” and you’ve got advice for a new novelist. Weirdly, the recaptcha I’ve got is “novel Petticoats.” Maybe I’m writing about the wrong era.
Jules: It was as close as I could come in a single word to the idea of “enormous, but surrounded by even greater enormousness, and beset on all sides by the noise of a city.” (Some concepts are obviously more important to [whispering] gargoyles [end whispering] than to us.)