[The scene: a home in suburban northwest Florida. He and She are in the living room, watching TV (by way of a satellite-TV DVR). She clicks the remote control, pausing the show in progress to ask Him a question. Discussion complete, She clicks the “un-pause button” to resume viewing. Nothing happens.]
She: It’s not doing anything.
He: “Not doing anything”?
She: The remote. It’s not starting the show again.
He: Try changing the channel.
She: [Pushing various buttons] Doesn’t work.
He: Can you get to the program-listing screen? Or the list of shows we’ve recorded?
She: [Continues to push buttons] I’m telling you: it’s not, doing, anything… Wait. We can use the remote control for the TV, right?
He: Uh-uh. We can use the TV remote to adjust the volume, or, y’know, select whether to watch satellite, or DVD, or the VCR, nothing else though… Let me try.
[He “tries.” Confirms: it is indeed not, doing, anything. He polishes little transparent smoked-plastic cover over the thingum which flashes infrared signals to the DVR. Nope. No button has any effect at all. He puts remote back on end table, goes to DVR, dons reading glasses, squints at DVR’s front panel.]
He: Oh, I see. Watch. If you want to change the channel, you can just press these up and down arrows here.
[She contemplates scrolling through hundreds of channels in this way, and shoots Him a look telegraphing Her reaction.]
She: One channel at a time?!?
[She goes to DVR herself, begins experimenting with buttons on its face. They all “work,” inconveniently.]
He: Look, it’s not perfect, but at least you can watch it that way. I’ll call the satellite company, get ’em to send us a new remote.
She: So we’ll have to do this for DAYS until the new one gets here?
He: Nah. They’ll probably overnight it. They’re real big on customer serv— Hey, wait. It’s probably just the battery. The battery in the remote’s probably dead. I should’ve thought—
She: I’ll do it. I’m already up. Just sit there. I’ll get the battery.
[She retrieves new battery from cupboard, replaces old one. Trembling with anticipation, They both watch as She points remote control at the DVR, at the TV, back again. Their faces fall.]
She: Maybe we can watch something we’ve got recorded.
He: [Gets up] I’ll go to their Web site, see if I can find out something. At least how to request a new remote.
[At company’s Web site, He learns of an intriguing possibility: not all AA batteries are manufactured to exactly the same size. Particularly problematic for this company’s remote controls have been AA batteries like the one She just installed. Technician in forum recommends inserting a scrap of aluminum foil between positive battery terminal and metal contact in remote. He goes downstairs, eager to test this little bit of too-wacky-not-to-be-true electronic arcana.]
He: Let me see the remote a sec… Guy on the Web site said to put a little bit of foil… [Moves to better-lighted area.] …foil between the…
[Prolonged pause as He gazes, blinking, into the remote’s interior. He removes battery, re-inserts it.]
He: There. Try it now.
She: It works! Yay! What did you do?
He: I turned the battery around.
She: Turned the battery— Wait. You mean the old battery was dead, and I put the new one in upside-down?
He: Yes.
She: [Laughing] Oh.
the querulous squirrel says
So where did you hide the bug in my house?
marta says
It wasn’t too long ago while standing in front of the class I got extremely frustrated with the TV and DVD player. I kept sticking cords into different places in back of the TV and was getting nothing at all.
Turns out the whole thing worked fine if you remembered to put the DVD in the player.
(I would like it noted that whenever I put new batteries in something & it still doesn’t work I always think I’ve put the batteries in wrong.)
DarcKnyt says
There have been many, many such discussions and incidents here in our house too. :) I got a chuckle.
Have a very Happy New Year, JES.
Ashleigh Burroughs says
MY 5 year old brother fixed the neighbor’s refrigerator by plugging it in… the 1st thing my father ever taught him.
I’m not sure she ever forgave him.
a/b
John says
Squirrel (Squirrel!): If we HAD bugged your house, you’d probably still be okay… as long as the bugs were battery-operated. :)
From the looks of the other comments, this sort of dialogue is about as common as the “What do you want to do [for dinner/tonight/etc.]?”-“I don’t know. What do YOU want to do?” sort.
John says
marta: That sort of problem (your TV/DVD player incident) always seems to crop up in front of an audience, doesn’t it?
One of my best friends and I — going back to elementary school — have a running in-joke. We were laughing and shaking our heads at some stupid thing I’d said a while earlier, and I said, I wish I’d been alone when I said that. The universe wobbled for a split-second and then Jimmy completely fell apart. It’s become one of our stock responses to each other on the rare occasions when we get together anymore — one of us (usually I) will say something loopy or, y’know, non sequitur; the other will pause a beat and say, “Too bad you weren’t alone when you said that.”
Which doesn’t really have anything to do with technological frustrations but still seems oddly relevant.
John says
Darc: Although this is more or less real-life dialogue as it actually played out earlier this week, it’s only fair to note that the He/She roles have often been reversed in other, similar cases. For example, there’s the “I can’t find X in the refrigerator” conversation. She (in this case) resolves the problem by moving a bottle or a jar. It doesn’t help to insist that the refrigerator is too crowded to do this safely — that He is guilty only of being too careful. After all, She moved it without disaster ensuing, didn’t She?
You have a very Happy one, too!
John says
a/b: It probably doesn’t matter, but was your brother a smart*ss about it?
People with responsibility for computer technical support are always facing situations like your brother’s — it’s a good profession for teaching you how to express humility and concern, when you’re actually feeling incredulous and superior. What helps is the memory of the first time that you, oh-so-knowledgeable you, made exactly the same mistake.
And yes, the operative phrase there was the first time.