[Image: not The Pooch. Depicts the desired outcome, however.]
In the Harry Potter wizarding universe, most spells are cast using incantations of a vaguely Latin(ish) form: Cruciato! Expecto patronum! Wingardium leviosa! and so on.
The sole exception which I can think of off the top of my head: Stupefy! When cast in magical combat, you will recall, this spell renders the target incapable of movement. Combatants who have been Stupefied fall, rigid, to the floor or the ground — effectively (albeit temporarily) removing them from further battle.
I don’t particularly care in my everyday life that I cannot, say, summon my Patronus. But Stupefy? Oh my. Let it be so. (Especially if it can be fine-tuned, like a handheld Star Trek phaser, from disorient all the way up to vaporize.)
I’m still trying to work up the nerve to attempt Stupefaction of a human being. But I’ve tried it many times with The Pooch… and I can report that it’s not as easy as it looks in the movies. (Neither is being shot out of a cannon. A topic for a later post, perhaps.)
Still, it can be done. Herewith, results of my research to date.
Specifications:
The test subject in question is several years old. Weight: about five pounds. Length, stem to stern (standing): about a foot. Cruising altitude (belly to floor): four to five inches. Metabolic rate (measured on the Simpson scale of footsteps required to cross one foot of distance in a second (high-speed photography used to parse out the blurrage)): 14.5.
Setting:
Tests were conducted in a suburban development in North Florida, USA, over several years and in various seasons, both in- and outdoors. Indoor tests took place within the confines of a house which at one time seemed too large for the research team, and lasted in each case until the daily allotment of t,r,e,a,t,s ran out. Outdoor tests started and stopped at the end of a one-block cul-de-sac; time and distance between start and finish of outdoor tests varied — beginning with zero in both cases. (Also in these cases, tests generally concluded with test subject’s being portaged by research team around raging waters of disinterest.)
Methodology:
Indoor tests: Extended periods of play, involving one Bumpy Ball and various other rubberized inducements to cross room-size distances at high speed, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly. Occasional mystical maledictions sometimes relied upon, including (yes) Stupefy! but also Stop!, Wait!, No!, That’s enough!, Time for nighty-night!, and Jesus Christ, are you still freaking going?!?
Results: Inconsistent, ranging from (frequent) amplification of imperial demands to (rare) mild Stupefaction.
Outdoor tests: Extended periods of indulgent leashwork. Intermittent wastework, including preliminary roundabouting Figure 8s as well as follow-up plastic baggery. Pace and direction as determined by Pooch. Plant species subject to extensive olfactory investigation as determined by Pooch. Mammalian species subject to intense visual, auditory, and olfactory scrutiny as determined by Pooch, with vocal responses appropriate to Pooch-determined threat level. Research team-determined levels of apology as needed.
Results: Vary with duration and distance — also with length of leash, halter type, temperature, humidity, time of day, previous wastework recency, grooming recency, TDI (Treat Desirability Index), number of threats encountered, threateningness of threats encountered, sandspurs acquired en route, and other factors not yet and perhaps never to be determined.
Conclusions: Tests to continue, probably indefinitely. Time and distance seem the most consistent determinants of Stupefaction. Likewise Pooch energy levels, although research team’s own energy levels verge upon irrelevance. However, two additional factors seem to aid in achieving optimal Stupefaction:
- volume of water drunk upon return, and
- volume of food eaten upon return
Too much of one or too much of the other generally results in (a) expulsion from input channel of substances consumed and (b) consequent re-wakefulness. If proper balance is achieved, however, full Stupefaction often takes place — especially if research team immediately flees to upstairs office, behind swinging gate, closed door, and soothing whir of ancient air-conditioning unit. Boredom-assisted Stupefaction in such cases occasionally continues long enough, and deeply enough, for tiptoeing research team to photograph results with which to charm outside observers and (ideally) attract venture-capital funding.
However, in some cases (including the most recent), prematurely attempting to document Stupefaction merely acts as a counter-spell and brings on burst of renewed Yorkshire vigor. Caution is advised.
DarcKnyt says
That stupefy thing would certainly come in handy. I’d either want that, or the telekinesis so many mutants seem to wield in the movies and TV.
Fling cars across the highway like a child tosses hot dog chunks? Oh yeah. That’s livin’.
Nance says
“… portaged by research team around raging waters of disinterest.”
That’s unavoidably destined to be plagiarized by me in about five years. My brain will convince me that I invented it. Sorry ahead of time.
I worked on stupefying my two children from the time they were infants. In both cases, I found it took about fourteen years for the cumulative effects of my efforts to kick in, at which point I got scared that they would not recover in time to attend college classes or a job.
Lately, I suspect they have been secretly practicing the spell on their father and me via the new medium of texting.
Tricky stuff.
whaddayamean says
i think you might have just inspired me to write some Harry Potter fan fiction.
cynth says
I think our sister stupifies us every Thanksgiving as we blob around the house after eating a HUGE dinner. The dog however is always unaffected.
firstSTREET says
This is hilarious. If there were ever a professional Journal of Puppy Play, this would be the first peer-reviewed research article to be featured. I wonder if the results can be replicated with other participants? Have fun with your little friend!
marta says
Follow-up plastic baggery! I love that line.
But more importantly, I have a strong desire to train our dog to fall over if she hears Stupefy!
Shall report back.
John says
Darc: I caught part of the film Hellboy on TV the other night. Hellboy’s tragic love (played by Selma Blair), as I’d forgotten, was afflicted by pyrokinesis: she generates and handles fire like bad writers do with metaphor — confidently but a little grudgingly, and with predictable results. :)
[Aside: You know how Google’s “predictive text” feature guesses what you might want to search for as you enter text, based on the popularity of other queries beginning the same way? As you type p,y,r,o,k the first suggested search, of course, is on pyrokinesis itself. The second, though, is on pyrokinesis training. All righty, then! (And for the record, YouTube apparently offers numerous videos related to the latter search.)]
John says
Nance: without kids of my own, I never made the connection between the Stupefaction spell and certain parental activities and encouragements. Now it all comes clear. Especially if you consider the similar symptoms in (a) a target who has been Stupefied and (b) one who has been Thunderstruck.
John says
whaddayamean: as long as it doesn’t feature an evil father… *laughing*
John says
cynth: I’ve met the dog in question only a couple of times but yes, that one could resist a Stupefaction spell played through a stadium-rock-concert speaker.
We actually tried the old turkey/tryptophan gimmick with The Pooch. (It always worked with the cats — although now that I think about it, cats really don’t need to be Stupefied into immobility, do they?) It sorta kinda seemed to work. Then a few months later, she developed acute pancreatis (or however it’s spelled). When she finally got past that, our kindly vet looked at us over the tops of his glasses and warned us against giving her any “human food” at all, even in minute quantities; at her size, he said, it doesn’t take much to throw her entire innards into upheaval. Le sigh.
John says
marta: please do report back. Maybe it’s got something to do with the timbre of the given magic-user’s voice, or facial expressions, or posture, or whatever, as much as with the quality of his or her wand. It probably helps if you’re not laughing at yourself.