[The scene: a home in suburban northwest Florida. He and She are in the living room, watching TV (by way of a satellite-TV DVR). She clicks the remote control, pausing the show in progress to ask Him a question. Discussion complete, She clicks the “un-pause button” to resume viewing. Nothing happens.]
She: It’s not doing anything.
He: “Not doing anything”?
She: The remote. It’s not starting the show again.
He: Try changing the channel.
She: [Pushing various buttons] Doesn’t work.
He: Can you get to the program-listing screen? Or the list of shows we’ve recorded?
She: [Continues to push buttons] I’m telling you: it’s not, doing, anything… Wait. We can use the remote control for the TV, right?
He: Uh-uh. We can use the TV remote to adjust the volume, or, y’know, select whether to watch satellite, or DVD, or the VCR, nothing else though… Let me try.
[He “tries.” Confirms: it is indeed not, doing, anything. He polishes little transparent smoked-plastic cover over the thingum which flashes infrared signals to the DVR. Nope. No button has any effect at all. He puts remote back on end table, goes to DVR, dons reading glasses, squints at DVR’s front panel.]
He: Oh, I see. Watch. If you want to change the channel, you can just press these up and down arrows here.
[She contemplates scrolling through hundreds of channels in this way, and shoots Him a look telegraphing Her reaction.]
She: One channel at a time?!?
[She goes to DVR herself, begins experimenting with buttons on its face. They all “work,” inconveniently.]
He: Look, it’s not perfect, but at least you can watch it that way. I’ll call the satellite company, get ’em to send us a new remote.
She: So we’ll have to do this for DAYS until the new one gets here?
He: Nah. They’ll probably overnight it. They’re real big on customer serv— Hey, wait. It’s probably just the battery. The battery in the remote’s probably dead. I should’ve thought—
She: I’ll do it. I’m already up. Just sit there. I’ll get the battery.
[She retrieves new battery from cupboard, replaces old one. Trembling with anticipation, They both watch as She points remote control at the DVR, at the TV, back again. Their faces fall.]
She: Maybe we can watch something we’ve got recorded.
He: [Gets up] I’ll go to their Web site, see if I can find out something. At least how to request a new remote.
[At company’s Web site, He learns of an intriguing possibility: not all AA batteries are manufactured to exactly the same size. Particularly problematic for this company’s remote controls have been AA batteries like the one She just installed. Technician in forum recommends inserting a scrap of aluminum foil between positive battery terminal and metal contact in remote. He goes downstairs, eager to test this little bit of too-wacky-not-to-be-true electronic arcana.]
He: Let me see the remote a sec… Guy on the Web site said to put a little bit of foil… [Moves to better-lighted area.] …foil between the…
[Prolonged pause as He gazes, blinking, into the remote’s interior. He removes battery, re-inserts it.]
He: There. Try it now.
She: It works! Yay! What did you do?
He: I turned the battery around.
She: Turned the battery— Wait. You mean the old battery was dead, and I put the new one in upside-down?
He: Yes.
She: [Laughing] Oh.
